Running running

What in the world is going on outside? I swear, these past couple of weeks have been all over the weather spectrum.  I can't help but to laugh! It was so lovely an in the 60s for a few days in a row.  I got to go hiking a bunch, went running outside, etc.  I was getting really pumped for those kind of activities again, but then it turned back to 50s and rain.  Yesterday was quite lovely during my walk to work, and then ended with a torrential downpour! Haha, and today is some mixture of absolutely everything.

Eek! My birthday is in just a few days - 24! Sounds super old when you live in college land, but I've had some time to adjust to the idea already, and I'm sure once I'm out living in the big city, I'll seem relatively young again : ) Adrian & friends are throwing a fiesta for me, which is so friggin' kind, I'm gonna melt.

The day before my birthday, however, is my interview with Alaska Airlines in Seattle.  I was denied by American, although in retrospect, I'm viewing this as a blessing in disguise.  A career with Alaska would be so marvelous and convenient.  I seriously want it so badly! Urghh, so much pressure.  I hope to have only good things to report from my experience!

time for a change

I feel like I am generally a very good-humored, good-natured individual.  I get along well with people.  I am a good friend who is there for others.  I go out of my way for friends, and try to stick to the plans that I make.  All-in-all, these are very desirable characteristics.

I am confused as to why a number of people recently have decided that I am not worth their time.  I have one girl in my life who can be the greatest friend.. when she's in the mood to be.  Otherwise she'll flat out ignore me for weeks.  Yesterday I texted her to congratulate her on securing a job in China, and told her my big news as well (which I'll get to), and said it was our lucky day!! Her reply, "Thanks" I intentionally didn't add a period there, because that much effort wasn't even put forth.  Last weekend, I mentioned my new guinea pig to her.  She scoffs at me and says, "Yeah, I don't know why you got that," and walks away.  She's really big on saying, "I'm independent," and having that justify her bitchy rudeness.  Ummm, well, not everyone can inherit a ton of money from their dead uncle AND have a nest egg waiting for them that their parents invested in when you were born.  I'd be pretty "independent" too.  How independent were you when I supported you while your boyfriend broke your heart repeatedly? Then you'd go and inexplicably freeze me out for weeks at a time.

Urghhh.. She's not the only one, just the one that actually hurt my feelings.  I don't understand what I did to drive people away or make them not like me.

It doesn't matter, though, because I'm getting out of here.  If people want to stay in my life, I'm terrific at keeping in touch.  That's how I retained such a wonderful network of friends in Phoenix, Arizona.  But I refuse to have time for people who can't make any time for me.

I got an interview with American Airlines yesterday!! It's scheduled for the end of March.  I just know that once I get to do the interview, I can totally nail it.  Totally my meal ticket out of this college town and ultimately to a career, I hope! You know what, though? Even if it doesn't work out, for some reason, my plan B is to just up and move to Phoenix, like I'd planned before.  I don't want to finish school at WSU, I am soon to have almost no friends around here, it's a black hole because pay is low while living is cheap (so you can't afford to leave), and I'm never going to move on from Adrian if he's the only gay man within a 200-mile radius I really like.

I'm taking the reins on this bitch called "life" and forging a new path.  I'm channeling the indomitable spirits of Samantha Jones and Scarlett O'Hara.  Let no man put asunder.  Peace.

Gratitude

1. I'm so thankful that I was able to give a nice, loving home to my new guinea pig, Theodore.  I got my cage and supplies back from last year's horrible old roommates, but had no pig! It was purely by chance that I was able to secure Ted through a rescue clinic representative : )
Here's a picture of my happy boy in his new digs:

2. I'm very very grateful for my job at the café, my kind and helpful co-workers, as well as how warm and flexible they've been with my antics.  I was really burnt out on working there for a while back in the fall, but I think I've developed a decent blend of not overworking myself, and still generating some decent income.  Attempted to get a 2nd job to balance it out, which ended up not coming through : / But then it must have been for the best, and there are opportunities to do other things at the Co-Op as well.  I've got my name in to be trained as a cheese-cutter (hehehe!) and work in la fromagerie.

3. I'm truly appreciative of my dear friend, Nicholas, whose birthday it was this past weekend.  He welcomed me into his home for the weekend so that I could enjoy the festivities with everyone.  I tried to make it worth his while, and got him some terrific presents I know he is so pleased to have received! The entire bar threw a giant themed party in his honor, so Saturday night was CRAZY!

4. I'm really stoked that I have tomorrow off of work.  As my current gym membership is astronomically expensive, and I am but a poor boy, I am debating getting a prorated membership to the university pool (which, unlike the rec center where I currently go, is available to the public).  The weather is warming up, so it might be nice to do more running outdoors, swimming indoors, and then only use the rec center periodically.  That's tomorrow's endeavor, I think.

Reconciliations

I need to take this time to recap my holiday a little.  I already detailed the way in which my trip began with a bumpy start.  Uff da! So I got to Palm Springs a little early, and was there longer than intended.  Mor was very good about keeping everything lively and entertaining, though, and we were all in the mood to just relax more often than not, haha! I got to do my share of lengthy desert hikes in the sun, which really justifies the entire trip, in my book : )

Intense desert hike up to a hidden oasis, seriously just a few miles from my parents' house.  How awesome is that?

Definitely a wonderful holiday being home, truly for the first time all year

Leaving Palm Springs.  Auf wiedersehen!

While I more than certainly had a fantastic time away, and as always, enjoyed the desert thoroughly, it also gave me a lot of new perspective.  In contrast to my previous two posts, I have decided that the desert really is not right for me at this time.  I like winter.  Since I've been back, it's been consistently cold temps here, hovering in the 20's or below (-2˚ to -8˚ C), with gorgeous white snow, but also plenty of sunshine.  For me, this is the ideal winter.

Soo excited to be back ice skating again

 It sounds as though the flight attendant job isn't meant to work out at this time.  That is totally fine.  It was a great way to get out of my current situation and move someplace exciting, as well as travel.  But you know what? If it's meant to be, it will happen in a couple years instead! Right now, I am more driven than ever to get to China in the fall and finish my degree the following spring.  I'm 2 simple semesters away from completion, and want that security of having the bachelors, plus the substantial Chinese language background.  Let's enjoy our time doing what we're doing and instead of moping, make the most of it!

I have several ice skating dates lined up, I'm determined to go skiing this winter, Adrian is being perfect and wanting to advance our relationship to a new level, old friends are resurfacing, and I'm proud that I didn't give up on my dream of going to China.

Cute story time.  My favorite movie is "Breakfast at Tiffany's." I love Audrey Hepburn, especially as Holly Golightly.  I had a giant movie poster I'd bought in Seattle framed in my room, but it broke and was ruined during a tragic accident : ( So for Christmas, Adrian went and found a new poster for me, which is much more extravagant and expensive, PLUS it's in German, because he knows I was rekindling my German brain for that flight attendant position.  All in all, it is a beautiful gift, and is now hanging on my wall : ) I love it so much.  He is a great guy.  I think one of my resolutions is definitely going to be to leave the grittier aspects of our past where they belong: in the past.  Time to look to the future and see what unfolds.

O the holidays

Speaking of all of this moving, one of the happiest days of my life will be when I no longer have to shove my long legs into one of those tin cans they call Bombardier Q400s.  Any time I fly to someplace of significance out of Pullman or Spokane, I always end up stuffed in one of those little things.  At least give me a 737 or something, please.  On the plus side, if it's a later flight, they sometimes offer complimentary beer or wine.  Ja, tak.

This is how my holiday traveling has proceeded thusfar:
I had to hitch a ride with friends from Moscow up to Spokane and stayed the night there at another friend's house, only to get up at 5:30 AM and pay a $20 cab fee to get to the airport on time for my flight out at 8:30 AM.  Said flight landed me in Seattle, where my connecting flight to Santa Barbara, California, was subsequently canceled due to mechanical failures.  Fortunately, I was able to get my flight & baggage all transferred directly to Palm Springs out of Seattle, which was going to be my ultimate destination later in the week anyway.  Unfortunately, THAT flight doesn't leave until 6:00 PM.  Sooooo please understand my frustration with going to all of the aforementioned effort & expense, only to sit in SeaTac airport for the entire day, and arrive in Palm Springs at 10 o'clock at night.  I might be slightly grumpy. 

Fortunately, I know the perfect remedy!

Plus, I came heavily armed with some books and 4 hours of Extended Edition Lord of the Rings.

I am stoked to be home with the fam.  Do some hiking, hot tubbing, hanging out with Grace, playing games, shopping, great food, it's gonna be awesome!

Adventure is out there!

I have been going through a lot of new experiences recently, among them: applying for new jobs out of town, talking with new people, tolerating drama and neglect from my current peer groups, and dealing with the frustrations of traveling to/from this remote area.  All of these matters fall on top of me coping with the aforementioned depression with my mundane circumstances here in the Palouse as it is.

One viable solution I developed is returning to the Southwest.  The Pacific Northwest has truly grown on me, and I formed a love for this place.  That being said, one can certainly understand my confusion when I simply cannot find a place for myself here any longer.  I no longer have a reason for being here, and feel like I am purely existing.  One of the few things weighing my heart to this place is my love for Adrian, but I also know that he finds the idea of me staying here just for him to be devastating.  Since day one, he has made his position clear about never wanting to stand in the way of me doing something amazing or being the best version of myself.  I have really appreciated being able to talk with him about this, and having him be so supportive, but also help me analyze my situation objectively.

Originally, I was debating moving back to California.  Palm Springs is my home, my family is there, and it would be easy to work in a bar or some such venue while establishing a further course of action.  The more I went through ideas, however, it dawned on me that returning to Phoenix would be even better.  I really enjoyed my time there.

Benefits:
- It's familiar, and I have at least a semblance of a friend network lingering around.
- It's a major city with amenities I've lacked for so long.  In particular, a major airport.
- The weather is warm & the sun is always out.
- It's a straight shot of 4 easy hours of driving through the magnificent Sonora Desert to visit my parents and grandmother.
- Cost of living is low.
- Phoenix is centrally located to a lot of great things: Southern California, Mexico, Las Vegas, mountains, skiing, Lake Havasu, and so forth.  I still like the snow, so I can just spend a weekend up in Flagstaff with friends, or whatever I want to do.
- They have an NHL team.
- I can easily finish my education at Arizona State, where I began.  They have a killer Chinese language immersion program, and once I establish residency, it's a lot cheaper than WSU.
- I love Mexican food and culture.

Drawbacks:
- Who knows if I'm just running away to new problems in an attempt to escape my old ones.  But one can never truly know, and what I do know, is that I am no longer able to make due with what I have here in Idaho.
- I will need a car.  However, life here has not permitted me to live well without one either, as it has turned out.  And any cities that have good enough public transit to not demand a car are 4x more expensive to live in anyway.
- Minimum wage is fairly low in Arizona.  However, I'm making peanuts here in Idaho too (nowhere is as high as Washington), and I'll be seeking a job that earns tips, at least until I can find something better.
- The summers are extremely hot.  But I've acclimated before, and can do it again.
- Arizona politics are extremely right-wing, which does not bode well for homosexuals.  But it's a big city, and even though John McCain lives there, I don't know how intolerant people are or how noticeable this difference is.

Ultimately, I need to get out of here.  Not having a reason to stay is reason enough to leave.

déprimé

I feel I've had a terrible case of the mean reds for quite some time now.  As my idol, Holly Golightly, so eloquently put it,
"The blues are because you're getting fat and maybe it's been raining too long; you're just sad, that's all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you're afraid and you don't know what you're afraid of. Do you ever get that feeling? Well, when I get it the only thing that does any good is to jump in a cab and go to Tiffany's. Calms me down right away. The quietness and the proud look of it; nothing very bad could happen to you there. If I could find a real-life place that'd make me feel like Tiffany's, then - then I'd buy some furniture and give the cat a name!"

Only trouble is that I don't even really have a place like Tiffany's to escape to.  I think I need to move away from here.  I feel stuck, and like my life is devoid of purpose.  I almost burst into tears at the gym today.  If I died in this apartment right now, it'd be forever before anyone noticed.  I don't have the friend network here I thought I had.  I can't even land the man I'm still stupidly in love with.  And I'm not contributing to the world or influencing people's lives.

I wasn't really financially or mentally capable of continuing with university this year, but at least when you're in university, you have an excuse to be poor and live in a place like this.  You're still making progress toward some higher purpose and a better way of life.

I've been applying to different airlines with foreign language speaking flight attendant positions open.  I feel like it's a surefire way to get out of this place, meet new people, do something important, and if they need me for a particular language, I'll probably get a really exciting assignment! I'm one out of 20,000 applicants usually, but I do feel that I'm more than qualified.

It probably seems like I'm just feeling sorry for myself.  I'm just a little despondent lately, and can't seem to shake it.  I'm not used to feeling this lonely and trapped.  I exercise, I drink, I try to have fun.  Whenever I want to get together with people, which is pretty much all the time, they're either busy, out of town, unwilling to drive and get me, OR they blow me off completely without notice or explanation.  My Moscow friend network has more or less dissipated, and people in Pullman don't want to cross state lines just to hang out with me.  What else am I supposed to be doing exactly?!