Fall is here! But seriously, after months of sweating and suffering, the lower temps are finally gracing us. The high today is only 90˚! Pretty early in the year to be dropping out of triple digits, but I'm certainly not groaning over it : )
Normally, as my loyal readers will know from past experience, I am a vehement appreciator of the seasons and enjoying the "now." I get frustrated with people up north who are burnt out on summer by September and start wearing their scarves and playing Christmas music in anticipation of the colder seasons. My mentality is that there will be PLENTY of time for all of that when the time actually arrives, but for the present, it is better to enjoy the final few weeks of warmth & sunshine before being plunged into 6-7 months of cold, gray, and wetness, haha!
Down here in Phoenix, however, I feel no such remorse. There honestly won't be a significant enough change for me to feel like I'm not appreciating something or that I'm missing out on what's around me. Oops, it's still sunny, blue skies and pleasant outside. Therefore, I've wasted no time in buying my apple cider hickory pulled pork & pumpkin pie materials. I may have listened to "Sleigh Bells Ring" and "Winter Wonderland" briefly yesterday in the privacy of my room. I may be scoping out cheap tickets to some kickass hockey games for next month. No shame here ; )
Things have been improving immensely with work recently. I just do my very best to keep my boss off my back, and there have been a few incidents where she's flipped out at me in front of everyone, but it turned out to be a misunderstanding that had nothing to do with me, and she's apologized. Maybe that's helped her realize she needs to calm the **** down and not react that way. Regardless, life is significantly less painful (plus today is Monday, and she has Mon & Tues off every week!)
Not too bad, eh?
Monday, September 23, 2013
Sunday, September 8, 2013
Para-para-paradise
Things are totally on the upward bounce! As I said, my outlook about Phoenix has returned to the awesome and the positive. Keeping busy down here, and enjoying all of the venues this city has to offer (which is a LOT).
This morning I woke up to a crazy thunderstorm. I had to work at 9:00 AM, so I saddled up on my bike and rode there through the rain and lightning. Maybe not exactly prudent, but super fun and invigorating! Plus to desert living: rainstorms are balmy and warm. I figured people probably thought I was ridiculous, but how often do we get a solid stretch of rain? And I wanted to feel alive : )
Work is so-so right now. I'm trying to muddle through the challenge of having a horrible manager who is an anxiety freak and treats me like crap. I need to handle it, but I'm not sure exactly what to do. It's crossed my mind to maybe apply at other places in addition to the airlines, just to see if any decent fish bite. Then, today, a couple came in for brunch who are sort of regulars, so I stopped to chat with them a bit. They are opening their own beer, wine, and chocolate bar here in Central Phoenix in October! At least I know they are super cool and would be fun to work for. Just an idea I'm entertaining.
This morning I woke up to a crazy thunderstorm. I had to work at 9:00 AM, so I saddled up on my bike and rode there through the rain and lightning. Maybe not exactly prudent, but super fun and invigorating! Plus to desert living: rainstorms are balmy and warm. I figured people probably thought I was ridiculous, but how often do we get a solid stretch of rain? And I wanted to feel alive : )
Work is so-so right now. I'm trying to muddle through the challenge of having a horrible manager who is an anxiety freak and treats me like crap. I need to handle it, but I'm not sure exactly what to do. It's crossed my mind to maybe apply at other places in addition to the airlines, just to see if any decent fish bite. Then, today, a couple came in for brunch who are sort of regulars, so I stopped to chat with them a bit. They are opening their own beer, wine, and chocolate bar here in Central Phoenix in October! At least I know they are super cool and would be fun to work for. Just an idea I'm entertaining.
Thursday, September 5, 2013
Why do birds suddenly appear
I have to update to say that I am feeling a lot better about my circumstances. It's honestly all a matter of perspective. Yes, I am really tired of sweating, that's true. But aside from that, I lost my overall positive outlook. Fortunately, I was self-aware of having lost it and I tried to keep that in mind.
I have made a commitment to spend more time in the Arts District of the city, because frankly, if that's the kind of environment I'm seeking, I sort of need to go to it, rather than wait for it to magically come to my apartment. I took the train there and did a little bit of exploring. There really area lot of awesome museums, small businesses, up and coming natural food restaurants, and so forth.
Clearly this scene does exist here, if you're looking in the right places. I camped out at one of the cafés where I got a gigantic latté, an open faced bagel with in-house made hummus and fresh avocado, and hunkered down to finish all of my current rounds of flight attendant applications.
After a couple of hours of battling with inefficient application websites and re-formatting my résumé, I had a crazy experience - who should come up to my table but one of my dearest old friends from freshman year at ASU, Luis! I hadn't seen this guy in 5 years! We had been in touch a little bit since my return to the Valley, you know, where you both mean to get together but don't ever follow through. Anyway, we end up grabbing some happy hour pitchers of some tasty Northwest brews (Odell, Deschutes, yummmm) and catching up pretty hard. I actually ended up bringing him along to a get together I was having later on with some co-workers and it was a really great night.
Is this the universe throwing something at me? Like, wake up and look around you? You have tons of friends here, hip & artsy stuff is absolutely available - I mean, what exactly am I looking for?
Today my dear mother messaged me from Seattle, where she is visiting as the artist of the month for a winery up there. They had a great couple of days boating around in the sun, nice cool temps, etc. But today she told me they were wearing gloves and coats in the pouring rain, freezing their buns off. My dad's movements were restricted by the cold, because of his West Nile affliction from last
year. It was kind of a huge reminder to me of what life is like there. 10 months out of the year, the air itself is just bitterly cold, because of the ocean. I remember our house in Gig Harbor was just freezing all the time inside, no matter what we did. I'm so used to the arid Eastern Washington/Northern Idaho climate now, so I often forget what the coastal Northwest is actually like.
The point is, it made me step outside my door today and really bask in the warm air, the sunlight, and look around at the mountains and palm trees with my old appreciation. It may have been 110˚ here today, but in a month's time, Seattle will be frigid and Phoenix will be paradise.
More importantly than any of this, I've decided to enjoy my time here as much as possible, all while pouring my energy into getting my flight attendant career going. I'm still getting my name out there, revamping my approach, and hoping for the best. Best case scenario, I get a job, and they relocate me to one of their bases, out of my control. That way, I'm not stuck here, I'm going to a new place with a job, and the decision is made for me.
I honestly think this feeling of inquietude would follow me anywhere as long as my life itself has no real direction. That was my problem in Moscow, and the reason I wanted to move to a big city. Location is only part of the answer. I think I'm ready to get my real life going.
I have made a commitment to spend more time in the Arts District of the city, because frankly, if that's the kind of environment I'm seeking, I sort of need to go to it, rather than wait for it to magically come to my apartment. I took the train there and did a little bit of exploring. There really area lot of awesome museums, small businesses, up and coming natural food restaurants, and so forth.
After a couple of hours of battling with inefficient application websites and re-formatting my résumé, I had a crazy experience - who should come up to my table but one of my dearest old friends from freshman year at ASU, Luis! I hadn't seen this guy in 5 years! We had been in touch a little bit since my return to the Valley, you know, where you both mean to get together but don't ever follow through. Anyway, we end up grabbing some happy hour pitchers of some tasty Northwest brews (Odell, Deschutes, yummmm) and catching up pretty hard. I actually ended up bringing him along to a get together I was having later on with some co-workers and it was a really great night.
Is this the universe throwing something at me? Like, wake up and look around you? You have tons of friends here, hip & artsy stuff is absolutely available - I mean, what exactly am I looking for?
Today my dear mother messaged me from Seattle, where she is visiting as the artist of the month for a winery up there. They had a great couple of days boating around in the sun, nice cool temps, etc. But today she told me they were wearing gloves and coats in the pouring rain, freezing their buns off. My dad's movements were restricted by the cold, because of his West Nile affliction from last
year. It was kind of a huge reminder to me of what life is like there. 10 months out of the year, the air itself is just bitterly cold, because of the ocean. I remember our house in Gig Harbor was just freezing all the time inside, no matter what we did. I'm so used to the arid Eastern Washington/Northern Idaho climate now, so I often forget what the coastal Northwest is actually like.
The point is, it made me step outside my door today and really bask in the warm air, the sunlight, and look around at the mountains and palm trees with my old appreciation. It may have been 110˚ here today, but in a month's time, Seattle will be frigid and Phoenix will be paradise.
More importantly than any of this, I've decided to enjoy my time here as much as possible, all while pouring my energy into getting my flight attendant career going. I'm still getting my name out there, revamping my approach, and hoping for the best. Best case scenario, I get a job, and they relocate me to one of their bases, out of my control. That way, I'm not stuck here, I'm going to a new place with a job, and the decision is made for me.
I honestly think this feeling of inquietude would follow me anywhere as long as my life itself has no real direction. That was my problem in Moscow, and the reason I wanted to move to a big city. Location is only part of the answer. I think I'm ready to get my real life going.
Monday, September 2, 2013
The Summer Blues
I don't know why I tend to be really whiny on this blog, because earlier this year, all I did was complain about how depressed I was in Moscow/Pullman.
I moved down here to Phoenix, and at first, life was amazing. I was so free, I was looking for new, exciting jobs, I got to hang out with all of my old friends again, I was living in the sunshine, there were a million more gays here than I was used to, many of whom immediately took me under their wings. I felt like I was living the life.
Something has gone horribly wrong. I think that all of that stuff was like living on an extended vacation in dreamland, because it isn't the reality of life here. Most of the people I spent so much time with at first kind of got bored with me once I was no longer shiny and new. I have a job at my favorite restaurant in the city, whom I was elated to receive a call back from, so I am thankful for that. But now I've sort of fallen into a sad routine where I've realized that I work in food service among co-workers who all seem, in variant ways, to be extremely miserable with their lives as well. I enjoy the exercise I receive walking and biking to/from work, but with that comes all of the homeless people and rude drivers who seem to be intolerant to the very idea of pedestrianism. By that, I mean, I often feel like people are annoyed that I am not also driving, and I nearly get run over on a daily basis.
On top of all of the near-death that comes with living car-free in Phoenix, Arizona, the city is so vast and spread out, that I am very limited in my range of travel, and I am guaranteed to be a sweat-drenched beast upon arrival to any destination, regardless of the distance.
I just really want to be happy. But I don't feel like I know anyone here who actually is. I catch myself slipping into a slump of negative thoughts, and I don't understand what's happened to me. I miss how I was when I left Moscow. So idealistic, optimistic, uplifting to all. I'm really afraid of becoming one of the drones around me.
I ventured back to Moscow, Idaho, last weekend, as I had promised to do. It was SUCH an amazingly fun and friend-filled weekend! Everything came back to me, being around my uplifting circle of people. I was immersed in love, friendship, philosophy, and beauty. It simply was not enough time.
Up there, I have friends with whom I will just go on long walks and discuss life, treading along the train tracks until we're far out into some golden fields. We're the kind of people who will be walking along and see something unique about a building and stop to admire it, or point out the brilliant red color of the leaves on a tree and appreciate that moment in time. Here, I have no nature. Lots of pollution and cars, cars, cars, cars, cars. No Main Street to meander along.
Also, while I hate how the elements always ruin my shoes, and nothing is worse than having wet socks, I also do not like that it is way too hot here to wear a cute outfit. I don't like wearing shorts all the time. Maybe when I was a child or something, but not these days.
I can't believe I'm saying this now, considering the content of many of my past entries, but I now gravely miss the Northwest. I miss the eco-friendly frame of mind that is ubiquitous there. I miss gay marriage and marijuana being legal. I miss nature. I miss the progressive, liberal attitudes. I miss being able to picnic with friends, whether it's in a park or alongside a river. I miss people who chose to be where they are and are happy about it.
Also, can I please point out that while there are millions of Mexicans here and Spanish is very widely spoken, it is not spoken by white people, and the divide between the two cultures is palpable. I haven't even been to a Mexican restaurant since I moved here, and all of that was originally part of my incentive to come! I literally eat 100% more Mexican food when in Idaho than when in Arizona.
So, please tell me: Am I unhappy here because I'm letting myself be? And then allowing it to feed off of itself? Did I adjust to the Pacific Northwest a little too well after living there 5 years on my own? Have I not given this fair city enough of a chance? Would I be crazy to consider moving to someplace like Seattle or Portland or Boise in hopes of finding a better fit? Do I have a "grass is greener" complex?
Regardless of anything, I don't regret moving down here. I never regret. Had I stayed in Moscow, I would've been miserable. Had I never come here, I would've always thought so highly of Phoenix and wished that I had, or I might've just done so at a later juncture in life. At least right now, I'm not attached to anything, and I'm young, so I can afford to bounce around a little bit.
Anyway, I have just been in a sort of deep-seated funk about this for several weeks now, and I don't want to be negative anymore. Any advice will be much appreciated.
I moved down here to Phoenix, and at first, life was amazing. I was so free, I was looking for new, exciting jobs, I got to hang out with all of my old friends again, I was living in the sunshine, there were a million more gays here than I was used to, many of whom immediately took me under their wings. I felt like I was living the life.
Something has gone horribly wrong. I think that all of that stuff was like living on an extended vacation in dreamland, because it isn't the reality of life here. Most of the people I spent so much time with at first kind of got bored with me once I was no longer shiny and new. I have a job at my favorite restaurant in the city, whom I was elated to receive a call back from, so I am thankful for that. But now I've sort of fallen into a sad routine where I've realized that I work in food service among co-workers who all seem, in variant ways, to be extremely miserable with their lives as well. I enjoy the exercise I receive walking and biking to/from work, but with that comes all of the homeless people and rude drivers who seem to be intolerant to the very idea of pedestrianism. By that, I mean, I often feel like people are annoyed that I am not also driving, and I nearly get run over on a daily basis.
On top of all of the near-death that comes with living car-free in Phoenix, Arizona, the city is so vast and spread out, that I am very limited in my range of travel, and I am guaranteed to be a sweat-drenched beast upon arrival to any destination, regardless of the distance.
I just really want to be happy. But I don't feel like I know anyone here who actually is. I catch myself slipping into a slump of negative thoughts, and I don't understand what's happened to me. I miss how I was when I left Moscow. So idealistic, optimistic, uplifting to all. I'm really afraid of becoming one of the drones around me.
I ventured back to Moscow, Idaho, last weekend, as I had promised to do. It was SUCH an amazingly fun and friend-filled weekend! Everything came back to me, being around my uplifting circle of people. I was immersed in love, friendship, philosophy, and beauty. It simply was not enough time.
Up there, I have friends with whom I will just go on long walks and discuss life, treading along the train tracks until we're far out into some golden fields. We're the kind of people who will be walking along and see something unique about a building and stop to admire it, or point out the brilliant red color of the leaves on a tree and appreciate that moment in time. Here, I have no nature. Lots of pollution and cars, cars, cars, cars, cars. No Main Street to meander along.
Also, while I hate how the elements always ruin my shoes, and nothing is worse than having wet socks, I also do not like that it is way too hot here to wear a cute outfit. I don't like wearing shorts all the time. Maybe when I was a child or something, but not these days.
I can't believe I'm saying this now, considering the content of many of my past entries, but I now gravely miss the Northwest. I miss the eco-friendly frame of mind that is ubiquitous there. I miss gay marriage and marijuana being legal. I miss nature. I miss the progressive, liberal attitudes. I miss being able to picnic with friends, whether it's in a park or alongside a river. I miss people who chose to be where they are and are happy about it.
Also, can I please point out that while there are millions of Mexicans here and Spanish is very widely spoken, it is not spoken by white people, and the divide between the two cultures is palpable. I haven't even been to a Mexican restaurant since I moved here, and all of that was originally part of my incentive to come! I literally eat 100% more Mexican food when in Idaho than when in Arizona.
So, please tell me: Am I unhappy here because I'm letting myself be? And then allowing it to feed off of itself? Did I adjust to the Pacific Northwest a little too well after living there 5 years on my own? Have I not given this fair city enough of a chance? Would I be crazy to consider moving to someplace like Seattle or Portland or Boise in hopes of finding a better fit? Do I have a "grass is greener" complex?
Regardless of anything, I don't regret moving down here. I never regret. Had I stayed in Moscow, I would've been miserable. Had I never come here, I would've always thought so highly of Phoenix and wished that I had, or I might've just done so at a later juncture in life. At least right now, I'm not attached to anything, and I'm young, so I can afford to bounce around a little bit.
Anyway, I have just been in a sort of deep-seated funk about this for several weeks now, and I don't want to be negative anymore. Any advice will be much appreciated.
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