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I feel I've had a terrible case of the mean reds for quite some time now.  As my idol, Holly Golightly, so eloquently put it,
"The blues are because you're getting fat and maybe it's been raining too long; you're just sad, that's all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you're afraid and you don't know what you're afraid of. Do you ever get that feeling? Well, when I get it the only thing that does any good is to jump in a cab and go to Tiffany's. Calms me down right away. The quietness and the proud look of it; nothing very bad could happen to you there. If I could find a real-life place that'd make me feel like Tiffany's, then - then I'd buy some furniture and give the cat a name!"

Only trouble is that I don't even really have a place like Tiffany's to escape to.  I think I need to move away from here.  I feel stuck, and like my life is devoid of purpose.  I almost burst into tears at the gym today.  If I died in this apartment right now, it'd be forever before anyone noticed.  I don't have the friend network here I thought I had.  I can't even land the man I'm still stupidly in love with.  And I'm not contributing to the world or influencing people's lives.

I wasn't really financially or mentally capable of continuing with university this year, but at least when you're in university, you have an excuse to be poor and live in a place like this.  You're still making progress toward some higher purpose and a better way of life.

I've been applying to different airlines with foreign language speaking flight attendant positions open.  I feel like it's a surefire way to get out of this place, meet new people, do something important, and if they need me for a particular language, I'll probably get a really exciting assignment! I'm one out of 20,000 applicants usually, but I do feel that I'm more than qualified.

It probably seems like I'm just feeling sorry for myself.  I'm just a little despondent lately, and can't seem to shake it.  I'm not used to feeling this lonely and trapped.  I exercise, I drink, I try to have fun.  Whenever I want to get together with people, which is pretty much all the time, they're either busy, out of town, unwilling to drive and get me, OR they blow me off completely without notice or explanation.  My Moscow friend network has more or less dissipated, and people in Pullman don't want to cross state lines just to hang out with me.  What else am I supposed to be doing exactly?!