I have been going through a lot of new experiences recently, among them: applying for new jobs out of town, talking with new people, tolerating drama and neglect from my current peer groups, and dealing with the frustrations of traveling to/from this remote area. All of these matters fall on top of me coping with the aforementioned depression with my mundane circumstances here in the Palouse as it is.
One viable solution I developed is returning to the Southwest. The Pacific Northwest has truly grown on me, and I formed a love for this place. That being said, one can certainly understand my confusion when I simply cannot find a place for myself here any longer. I no longer have a reason for being here, and feel like I am purely existing. One of the few things weighing my heart to this place is my love for Adrian, but I also know that he finds the idea of me staying here just for him to be devastating. Since day one, he has made his position clear about never wanting to stand in the way of me doing something amazing or being the best version of myself. I have really appreciated being able to talk with him about this, and having him be so supportive, but also help me analyze my situation objectively.
Originally, I was debating moving back to California. Palm Springs is my home, my family is there, and it would be easy to work in a bar or some such venue while establishing a further course of action. The more I went through ideas, however, it dawned on me that returning to Phoenix would be even better. I really enjoyed my time there.
Benefits:
- It's familiar, and I have at least a semblance of a friend network lingering around.
- It's a major city with amenities I've lacked for so long. In particular, a major airport.
- The weather is warm & the sun is always out.
- It's a straight shot of 4 easy hours of driving through the magnificent Sonora Desert to visit my parents and grandmother.
- Cost of living is low.
- Phoenix is centrally located to a lot of great things: Southern California, Mexico, Las Vegas, mountains, skiing, Lake Havasu, and so forth. I still like the snow, so I can just spend a weekend up in Flagstaff with friends, or whatever I want to do.
- They have an NHL team.
- I can easily finish my education at Arizona State, where I began. They have a killer Chinese language immersion program, and once I establish residency, it's a lot cheaper than WSU.
- I love Mexican food and culture.
Drawbacks:
- Who knows if I'm just running away to new problems in an attempt to escape my old ones. But one can never truly know, and what I do know, is that I am no longer able to make due with what I have here in Idaho.
- I will need a car. However, life here has not permitted me to live well without one either, as it has turned out. And any cities that have good enough public transit to not demand a car are 4x more expensive to live in anyway.
- Minimum wage is fairly low in Arizona. However, I'm making peanuts here in Idaho too (nowhere is as high as Washington), and I'll be seeking a job that earns tips, at least until I can find something better.
- The summers are extremely hot. But I've acclimated before, and can do it again.
- Arizona politics are extremely right-wing, which does not bode well for homosexuals. But it's a big city, and even though John McCain lives there, I don't know how intolerant people are or how noticeable this difference is.
Ultimately, I need to get out of here. Not having a reason to stay is reason enough to leave.
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