To this day

"You're going to meet the most extraordinary men, the sexiest, funniest, brightest men.  You're going to meet so many of them, fall in love with so many of them, you won't know until the end of your life which ones were your greatest lovers and which were your greatest friends." - Harvey Milk

Nothing is the same.

With regard to my personal romances, I've decided that I'm done pining for something with Adrian that is 60% figment of my imagination.  Unrequited love isn't a good look on me, and I've been wearing it far too long.  I can't talk with him about it, though, because whenever I mention trying to end things, he suddenly becomes the sweetest man in the world and tells me how much he loves me, sucking me right back into his web.  Then the minute I concede and reciprocate, he drops off the face of the Earth.  I couldn't begin to count how many times I've played a part in this cycle.

"Welcome to the age of un-innocence.  No one has breakfast at Tiffany's, and no one has affairs to remember.  Instead, we have breakfast at 7AM and affairs we try to forget as quickly as possible." - Carrie Bradshaw

It's good, though.  This is healthy.  I'm 1,200 miles away in a major metropolitan city with a job and good friends.  Ever since my boss has started being super nice to me these past two weeks (Is it a trick? New meds?), my life is a thousand times less miserable.  It's amazing how that was affecting everything, especially because there was no way for me to change or escape it without flat out quitting.  Anyway, it makes it much easier to view life here in a more positive light.

I went on a really lovely date to one of my favorite pubs on Friday with this fellow I'd randomly met this summer in the VIP lounge of a night club downtown.  What a cool guy! It was so refreshing to meet an educated, young, fit, genuine and kind fellow here in the Valley, or anywhere for that matter.  I actually just bumped into him again tonight, because we both have memberships to the same gym.  We've made a date to watch our favorite show, American Horror Story, this week.  And he's an accountant.. Not sure why I am so inherently drawn to them.  Maybe because I'm so not numbers-oriented that I seek out someone to compensate ; ) Well, we all have our gifts.  Anyway, I won't get ahead of myself.

Lots to look forward to this month! It is December, after all, which is usually a very happy time.  In a few weeks, I'm heading with a few close friends to Palm Springs for my parents' julefrokost (Christmas party), after which we'll continue on to L.A. and spend a couple of days at Knott's Berry Farm riding roller coasters.  On the way back to Phoenix, I'm going to get dropped off back at my parents', and spend the remainder of the holiday with them.  Then, flying back to the Valley so I can go back to work and replenish my empty coffers.  It's going to be so fantastic!

Latent Autumn Downpour

Wauw, I definitely hadn't realized I haven't posted since the end of October.  Shows my level of diligence.  Well, there is a lot to tell : )

At present, we're in the midst of a torrential, several day-long downpour of rain, which is most unusual for Phoenix, but fantastic for the Earth.  I'll admit, I'm chilly inside my apartment, when there aren't a lot of sources of warmth, and the indoor temperature is in the 60s, but overall, I'm snickering at the Phoenicians' complaints about the cold and rain.  Who knew so many people owned umbrellas?! (I certainly don't).  I witnessed a woman at a drive-through ATM holding an umbrella over her head as she leaned out her car window to speak to the teller.  Excessive? Possibly.

This past weekend, I returned to my personal haven, Moscow, Idaho.  It was such a wonderfully and vitally healing weekend for me.  I barely got to see half of my loved ones up there, and the time I did have with people was completely maximized with positivity, growth, and love.  It was great to get to be with Adrian, and some of my closest, truest friends.  My old boss from the Co-Op teared up when I visited her, and begged me to come back to work.  Kind of a nice change of pace, when I feel like my boss in Phoenix hates me the majority of the time (although that hasn't been so bad this past week).  Definitely tempting, and I nearly missed my flight back to Arizona as several things fell through simultaneously, so at the time, I wondered if it was a sign I should stay, haha.  But no, I did make it back to Phoenix with some heartfelt farewells.  At least I had a splendid time and will always know there are wonderful people in the world.

Tromping around in the snow up in beautiful Idaho, topped off with a glorious sunset

Went up to Spokane on Sunday with some good friends to see a show with electronic/dance music; super fun! Everyone got crazy (hence the shirtless Ky)

Other big news: there's an airline hiring Danish-speaking flight attendants! I started my application last weekend while in Idaho as soon as I heard the news.  Before I even finished the application, I got a phone interview! Then another online assessment, and last night I completed a test of my fluency in Danish.  Seems like I'm being express-laned with these guys, as opposed to the painfully drawn out process with every other airline I've applied with.  They must really need Danish speakers! I truly hope everything went well, because this could just be the answer to all of the riddles.  No need to go back to school, and I'd be landing my dream job, which would move me to a new city, AND I'd get to speak Danish at work every day! I can barely get my hopes up, because it's just too perfect.  Never have I counted myself quite that lucky.

Well, I'm cozied up in my apartment now with some Christmas decorations up, music playing, tea boiling, and pine-scented candles burning.  Hyggeligt : )

My current status

Here is everything that is true and inescapable:

- Despite my very best efforts, I cannot find happiness in the city of Phoenix, nor an amiable group of people to call "friends," aside from a few long time close mates, such as Katy, who has always been super loyal.  I am overall not very happy here.  I make the best of my situation, but it is a false image.

- No airline jobs seem to be working out.  I could have dogged the US Airways recruiting centre more with regard to the Reservations Agent position, but I am a social being and a people person, so the idea of working 40 hour weeks in a call centre sounds like hell to me, regardless of the flight benefits I would have received.

- In lieu of such a career move, I am making strides toward a fall-back plan I've had in the works since mid August.  I intend to fly to Denmark at the end of April, hang out and reunite with friends for a couple weeks while the jet lag wears off, and begin wwoofing (WWOOF = Worldwide Opportunities on Organic Farms) around the little island country for a few more weeks.  Then I'll move on to some wwoof sites in Germany.  I will be learning so much, and using my language skills.  It will be fantastic to refresh both Danish and German in my brain.  Then, in August, I am going to engage in an intensive German language course at this ancient little university in Tübingen, Baden-Württemberg, Germany.

- After that, I will likely return to the U.S.  I don't know exactly what the best course of action will be, but returning to Phoenix seems like settling back into the muck from which I am escaping.  No more boring routine! One option I am more than a little interested in is possibly moving in with Adrian.  I know he is interested in moving to Seattle or maybe another big city.  If this comes to fruition, it would be a really easy move for me, because I could ditch most of my possessions, as he already has a bed, furniture, TV, etc, and I wouldn't need to drop another $1,500 moving my things back north or wherever.  It would also give me someone to leave Johan (my cat) with while I'm abroad, so flying him up beforehand, along with some other things I won't need in Europe, would make sense.

- These are my own thoughts, not things that are set in stone, guaranteed to happen, or have been confirmed with any other parties.  But it's my blog and it's my life, and I think I know what I want in life more than anyone does.

- I've thought about simply buying a one-way plane ticket and seeking to stay in Europe, obtaining a job there, and so forth.  However, without a bachelor's degree, nor any way of initially generating income there, this option would be extremely difficult and risky, possibly resulting in stranding myself with no money with which to continue.  It is a very expensive continent.

- As I once again find myself being limited by my lack of paper credentials, perhaps it is time to throw in my Bohemian towel (to a certain extent, at least) and, after having completed my language self-study in Germany, pursue the remainder of a bachelor's degree in German linguistics.  This was more or less one of my intentions in relocating to Arizona, but with my spiritual and emotional isolation even among this mass of miscreant humanity, I have not been eager to commit to spending tuition money, particularly when not regarded as an Arizona resident for tuition purposes, which, in turn, would also hinder my ability to work freely and earn money with which to go on 4-month long European adventures.  I haven't even replaced my Washington driver's license with an Arizona one yet.  Something has held me back from doing so.  I think I'm afraid of getting myself stuck, as I so often have felt.

- Anyway, while I have put on a positive façade about my situation here, for quite some time now I have been regarding it as a fun year in the desert and nothing more.  I definitely had to come here to know that it ultimately wasn't right for me, because I always had fond memories of the party days from my previous Arizonan stints.  I figure I might as well get as much out of the time and experience as I possibly can!

Schicksal - Destiny

What am I doing with my existence? With my vessel of a body? With my time on this plane?

Go to work, come home, watch movies, relax, work out, eat, sleep, repeat.

I used to influence people of the world almost every day.  Through (apparently) inspirational YouTube videos, working with kids, teaching adults how to exercise and better their lives, speaking up in classrooms everyday, and so on.  What are my focuses right now? Instant gratification.  Contentment.  I do devote a lot of my time to improving myself as a human through learning and regular exercise.  And to be honest, I probably spent even more time watching Netflix and surfing the Internet from my bed while I was in school and doing all of those other things with my life.  Things weren't perfect, but at least I was contributing to the Universe more, and operating under the illusion of progressing toward a better position.  Right now, I'm stuck in the position I'm in, and don't have a ladder to climb.

All I know, is that I am greater than my present existence.  I survived a brutal car accident last summer completely unscathed, when by all logic I should have looked like the Scarecrow after some Flying Monkeys were done with him.  I have an Apollo line running down my palm, a promise of great success in life. 

The gods want me here for a reason, and I can guarantee it's not to be waiting tables or to become somebody's housewife.

What brought me to Phoenix? What am I supposed to be getting out of this? I have to leave my job.  This has to be my sole mission - better job.  Help people.  Always spread my light in the world.  Do not allow my abilities to atrophy.

Arizona Autumn

Fall is here! But seriously, after months of sweating and suffering, the lower temps are finally gracing us.  The high today is only 90˚! Pretty early in the year to be dropping out of triple digits, but I'm certainly not groaning over it : )

Normally, as my loyal readers will know from past experience, I am a vehement appreciator of the seasons and enjoying the "now." I get frustrated with people up north who are burnt out on summer by September and start wearing their scarves and playing Christmas music in anticipation of the colder seasons.  My mentality is that there will be PLENTY of time for all of that when the time actually arrives, but for the present, it is better to enjoy the final few weeks of warmth & sunshine before being plunged into 6-7 months of cold, gray, and wetness, haha!

Down here in Phoenix, however, I feel no such remorse.  There honestly won't be a significant enough change for me to feel like I'm not appreciating something or that I'm missing out on what's around me.  Oops, it's still sunny, blue skies and pleasant outside.  Therefore, I've wasted no time in buying my apple cider hickory pulled pork & pumpkin pie materials.  I may have listened to "Sleigh Bells Ring" and "Winter Wonderland" briefly yesterday in the privacy of my room.  I may be scoping out cheap tickets to some kickass hockey games for next month.  No shame here ; )

Things have been improving immensely with work recently.  I just do my very best to keep my boss off my back, and there have been a few incidents where she's flipped out at me in front of everyone, but it turned out to be a misunderstanding that had nothing to do with me, and she's apologized.  Maybe that's helped her realize she needs to calm the **** down and not react that way.  Regardless, life is significantly less painful (plus today is Monday, and she has Mon & Tues off every week!)

Not too bad, eh?

Para-para-paradise

Things are totally on the upward bounce! As I said, my outlook about Phoenix has returned to the awesome and the positive.  Keeping busy down here, and enjoying all of the venues this city has to offer (which is a LOT).

This morning I woke up to a crazy thunderstorm.  I had to work at 9:00 AM, so I saddled up on my bike and rode there through the rain and lightning.  Maybe not exactly prudent, but super fun and invigorating! Plus to desert living: rainstorms are balmy and warm.  I figured people probably thought I was ridiculous, but how often do we get a solid stretch of rain? And I wanted to feel alive : )

Work is so-so right now.  I'm trying to muddle through the challenge of having a horrible manager who is an anxiety freak and treats me like crap.  I need to handle it, but I'm not sure exactly what to do.  It's crossed my mind to maybe apply at other places in addition to the airlines, just to see if any decent fish bite.  Then, today, a couple came in for brunch who are sort of regulars, so I stopped to chat with them a bit.  They are opening their own beer, wine, and chocolate bar here in Central Phoenix in October! At least I know they are super cool and would be fun to work for.  Just an idea I'm entertaining.

Why do birds suddenly appear

I have to update to say that I am feeling a lot better about my circumstances.  It's honestly all a matter of perspective.  Yes, I am really tired of sweating, that's true.  But aside from that, I lost my overall positive outlook.  Fortunately, I was self-aware of having lost it and I tried to keep that in mind.

I have made a commitment to spend more time in the Arts District of the city, because frankly, if that's the kind of environment I'm seeking, I sort of need to go to it, rather than wait for it to magically come to my apartment.  I took the train there and did a little bit of exploring.  There really area lot of awesome museums, small businesses, up and coming natural food restaurants, and so forth.

Clearly this scene does exist here, if you're looking in the right places.  I camped out at one of the cafés where I got a gigantic latté, an open faced bagel with in-house made hummus and fresh avocado, and hunkered down to finish all of my current rounds of flight attendant applications.

After a couple of hours of battling with inefficient application websites and re-formatting my résumé, I had a crazy experience - who should come up to my table but one of my dearest old friends from freshman year at ASU, Luis! I hadn't seen this guy in 5 years! We had been in touch a little bit since my return to the Valley, you know, where you both mean to get together but don't ever follow through.  Anyway, we end up grabbing some happy hour pitchers of some tasty Northwest brews (Odell, Deschutes, yummmm) and catching up pretty hard.  I actually ended up bringing him along to a get together I was having later on with some co-workers and it was a really great night.

Is this the universe throwing something at me? Like, wake up and look around you? You have tons of friends here, hip & artsy stuff is absolutely available - I mean, what exactly am I looking for?

Today my dear mother messaged me from Seattle, where she is visiting as the artist of the month for a winery up there.  They had a great couple of days boating around in the sun, nice cool temps, etc.  But today she told me they were wearing gloves and coats in the pouring rain, freezing their buns off.  My dad's movements were restricted by the cold, because of his West Nile affliction from last
year.  It was kind of a huge reminder to me of what life is like there.  10 months out of the year, the air itself is just bitterly cold, because of the ocean.  I remember our house in Gig Harbor was just freezing all the time inside, no matter what we did.  I'm so used to the arid Eastern Washington/Northern Idaho climate now, so I often forget what the coastal Northwest is actually like.

The point is, it made me step outside my door today and really bask in the warm air, the sunlight, and look around at the mountains and palm trees with my old appreciation.  It may have been 110˚ here today, but in a month's time, Seattle will be frigid and Phoenix will be paradise.

More importantly than any of this, I've decided to enjoy my time here as much as possible, all while pouring my energy into getting my flight attendant career going.  I'm still getting my name out there, revamping my approach, and hoping for the best.  Best case scenario, I get a job, and they relocate me to one of their bases, out of my control.  That way, I'm not stuck here, I'm going to a new place with a job, and the decision is made for me.

I honestly think this feeling of inquietude would follow me anywhere as long as my life itself has no real direction.  That was my problem in Moscow, and the reason I wanted to move to a big city.  Location is only part of the answer.  I think I'm ready to get my real life going.

The Summer Blues

I don't know why I tend to be really whiny on this blog, because earlier this year, all I did was complain about how depressed I was in Moscow/Pullman.

I moved down here to Phoenix, and at first, life was amazing.  I was so free, I was looking for new, exciting jobs, I got to hang out with all of my old friends again, I was living in the sunshine, there were a million more gays here than I was used to, many of whom immediately took me under their wings.  I felt like I was living the life.

Something has gone horribly wrong.  I think that all of that stuff was like living on an extended vacation in dreamland, because it isn't the reality of life here.  Most of the people I spent so much time with at first kind of got bored with me once I was no longer shiny and new.  I have a job at my favorite restaurant in the city, whom I was elated to receive a call back from, so I am thankful for that.  But now I've sort of fallen into a sad routine where I've realized that I work in food service among co-workers who all seem, in variant ways, to be extremely miserable with their lives as well.  I enjoy the exercise I receive walking and biking to/from work, but with that comes all of the homeless people and rude drivers who seem to be intolerant to the very idea of pedestrianism.  By that, I mean, I often feel like people are annoyed that I am not also driving, and I nearly get run over on a daily basis.

On top of all of the near-death that comes with living car-free in Phoenix, Arizona, the city is so vast and spread out, that I am very limited in my range of travel, and I am guaranteed to be a sweat-drenched beast upon arrival to any destination, regardless of the distance.

I just really want to be happy.  But I don't feel like I know anyone here who actually is.  I catch myself slipping into a slump of negative thoughts, and I don't understand what's happened to me.  I miss how I was when I left Moscow.  So idealistic, optimistic, uplifting to all.  I'm really afraid of becoming one of the drones around me.

I ventured back to Moscow, Idaho, last weekend, as I had promised to do.  It was SUCH an amazingly fun and friend-filled weekend! Everything came back to me, being around my uplifting circle of people.  I was immersed in love, friendship, philosophy, and beauty.  It simply was not enough time.

Up there, I have friends with whom I will just go on long walks and discuss life, treading along the train tracks until we're far out into some golden fields.  We're the kind of people who will be walking along and see something unique about a building and stop to admire it, or point out the brilliant red color of the leaves on a tree and appreciate that moment in time.  Here, I have no nature.  Lots of pollution and cars, cars, cars, cars, cars.  No Main Street to meander along.

Also, while I hate how the elements always ruin my shoes, and nothing is worse than having wet socks, I also do not like that it is way too hot here to wear a cute outfit.  I don't like wearing shorts all the time. Maybe when I was a child or something, but not these days.

I can't believe I'm saying this now, considering the content of many of my past entries, but I now gravely miss the Northwest.  I miss the eco-friendly frame of mind that is ubiquitous there.  I miss gay marriage and marijuana being legal.  I miss nature.  I miss the progressive, liberal attitudes.  I miss being able to picnic with friends, whether it's in a park or alongside a river.  I miss people who chose to be where they are and are happy about it.

Also, can I please point out that while there are millions of Mexicans here and Spanish is very widely spoken, it is not spoken by white people, and the divide between the two cultures is palpable.  I haven't even been to a Mexican restaurant since I moved here, and all of that was originally part of my incentive to come! I literally eat 100% more Mexican food when in Idaho than when in Arizona.

So, please tell me: Am I unhappy here because I'm letting myself be? And then allowing it to feed off of itself? Did I adjust to the Pacific Northwest a little too well after living there 5 years on my own? Have I not given this fair city enough of a chance? Would I be crazy to consider moving to someplace like Seattle or Portland or Boise in hopes of finding a better fit? Do I have a "grass is greener" complex?

Regardless of anything, I don't regret moving down here.  I never regret.  Had I stayed in Moscow, I would've been miserable.  Had I never come here, I would've always thought so highly of Phoenix and wished that I had, or I might've just done so at a later juncture in life.  At least right now, I'm not attached to anything, and I'm young, so I can afford to bounce around a little bit.

Anyway, I have just been in a sort of deep-seated funk about this for several weeks now, and I don't want to be negative anymore.  Any advice will be much appreciated.

Turn and face the strange ch-ch-chaanges..

My impending move to the gigantic city of Phoenix, Arizona, is approaching.  The gap between here & there closes more and more with each passing hour.  Eeeek! I'm a little bit nauseous just thinking about it.  I have become so comfortable here in my little enchanted pocket of the universe! I definitely experienced a really tough past year here in Moscow, Idaho.  More recently, however, I have felt that my loneliness and boredom were largely self-inflicted.  I've had some pretty amazing friends around me, particularly through my work at the Food Co-Op, and Moscow has endless venues for the arts, dancing, music, etc. 

I've really enjoyed a beautiful past two months here, with the people I've met, the adventures I've had, and just enjoying my surroundings.  The fact that this change of self has come at the end of my journey in the Palouse invokes some feelings of regret and remorse.  But I've realized that had I felt this euphoric here all along, I would probably not have had the drive to jettison myself back out into the rest of the world.  By now, my plans to move are solidified and underway.  It truly is for the best, and I have the great fortune to leave this magical place with such fond memories!

I have decided that I will make at least one visitation back here while all of my good friends still linger.  Flying up here from Phoenix can be pretty cheap, and I think it would be well worth the effort, and healthy to maintain some treasured friendships.  I'm also really hoping that people up here will feel compelled to come to me, too.  Arizona is beautiful, and definitely a sure bet to escape the cold!

Goodbye, all of you beautiful people : ) I am excited to savor my last 8 days with you.

Running running

What in the world is going on outside? I swear, these past couple of weeks have been all over the weather spectrum.  I can't help but to laugh! It was so lovely an in the 60s for a few days in a row.  I got to go hiking a bunch, went running outside, etc.  I was getting really pumped for those kind of activities again, but then it turned back to 50s and rain.  Yesterday was quite lovely during my walk to work, and then ended with a torrential downpour! Haha, and today is some mixture of absolutely everything.

Eek! My birthday is in just a few days - 24! Sounds super old when you live in college land, but I've had some time to adjust to the idea already, and I'm sure once I'm out living in the big city, I'll seem relatively young again : ) Adrian & friends are throwing a fiesta for me, which is so friggin' kind, I'm gonna melt.

The day before my birthday, however, is my interview with Alaska Airlines in Seattle.  I was denied by American, although in retrospect, I'm viewing this as a blessing in disguise.  A career with Alaska would be so marvelous and convenient.  I seriously want it so badly! Urghh, so much pressure.  I hope to have only good things to report from my experience!

time for a change

I feel like I am generally a very good-humored, good-natured individual.  I get along well with people.  I am a good friend who is there for others.  I go out of my way for friends, and try to stick to the plans that I make.  All-in-all, these are very desirable characteristics.

I am confused as to why a number of people recently have decided that I am not worth their time.  I have one girl in my life who can be the greatest friend.. when she's in the mood to be.  Otherwise she'll flat out ignore me for weeks.  Yesterday I texted her to congratulate her on securing a job in China, and told her my big news as well (which I'll get to), and said it was our lucky day!! Her reply, "Thanks" I intentionally didn't add a period there, because that much effort wasn't even put forth.  Last weekend, I mentioned my new guinea pig to her.  She scoffs at me and says, "Yeah, I don't know why you got that," and walks away.  She's really big on saying, "I'm independent," and having that justify her bitchy rudeness.  Ummm, well, not everyone can inherit a ton of money from their dead uncle AND have a nest egg waiting for them that their parents invested in when you were born.  I'd be pretty "independent" too.  How independent were you when I supported you while your boyfriend broke your heart repeatedly? Then you'd go and inexplicably freeze me out for weeks at a time.

Urghhh.. She's not the only one, just the one that actually hurt my feelings.  I don't understand what I did to drive people away or make them not like me.

It doesn't matter, though, because I'm getting out of here.  If people want to stay in my life, I'm terrific at keeping in touch.  That's how I retained such a wonderful network of friends in Phoenix, Arizona.  But I refuse to have time for people who can't make any time for me.

I got an interview with American Airlines yesterday!! It's scheduled for the end of March.  I just know that once I get to do the interview, I can totally nail it.  Totally my meal ticket out of this college town and ultimately to a career, I hope! You know what, though? Even if it doesn't work out, for some reason, my plan B is to just up and move to Phoenix, like I'd planned before.  I don't want to finish school at WSU, I am soon to have almost no friends around here, it's a black hole because pay is low while living is cheap (so you can't afford to leave), and I'm never going to move on from Adrian if he's the only gay man within a 200-mile radius I really like.

I'm taking the reins on this bitch called "life" and forging a new path.  I'm channeling the indomitable spirits of Samantha Jones and Scarlett O'Hara.  Let no man put asunder.  Peace.

Gratitude

1. I'm so thankful that I was able to give a nice, loving home to my new guinea pig, Theodore.  I got my cage and supplies back from last year's horrible old roommates, but had no pig! It was purely by chance that I was able to secure Ted through a rescue clinic representative : )
Here's a picture of my happy boy in his new digs:

2. I'm very very grateful for my job at the café, my kind and helpful co-workers, as well as how warm and flexible they've been with my antics.  I was really burnt out on working there for a while back in the fall, but I think I've developed a decent blend of not overworking myself, and still generating some decent income.  Attempted to get a 2nd job to balance it out, which ended up not coming through : / But then it must have been for the best, and there are opportunities to do other things at the Co-Op as well.  I've got my name in to be trained as a cheese-cutter (hehehe!) and work in la fromagerie.

3. I'm truly appreciative of my dear friend, Nicholas, whose birthday it was this past weekend.  He welcomed me into his home for the weekend so that I could enjoy the festivities with everyone.  I tried to make it worth his while, and got him some terrific presents I know he is so pleased to have received! The entire bar threw a giant themed party in his honor, so Saturday night was CRAZY!

4. I'm really stoked that I have tomorrow off of work.  As my current gym membership is astronomically expensive, and I am but a poor boy, I am debating getting a prorated membership to the university pool (which, unlike the rec center where I currently go, is available to the public).  The weather is warming up, so it might be nice to do more running outdoors, swimming indoors, and then only use the rec center periodically.  That's tomorrow's endeavor, I think.